Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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