I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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