I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
