I met the friendliest cop last night
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!