I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
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Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown