He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way