what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
