i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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