Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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