May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
