He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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