I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
