I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The cops high fived after they tackled you
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
