there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Randomize
