My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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