there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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