You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
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So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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