You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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