I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
