You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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