I need help removing her.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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