I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
