he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
BRING THE BAGELS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
