she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
