I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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