She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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