I didn't shave. On purpose
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
