Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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