Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
