My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
