i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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