Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
