Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
