Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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