I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
