Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
