but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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