This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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