it's too hot outside to masturbate.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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