Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
