I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
