We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
