Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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