And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
