remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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