I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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