I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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