Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
