I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
