he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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