Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
