goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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