When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
