you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
