I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Let's paint friendship bongs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
