: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
is wine microwaveable?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
