She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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