i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
