You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
