so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
