i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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