The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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