shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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